The Album

My mother has always been artistic, she enjoys using her skills to make our family homemade Christmas cards, random paintings,  and one year I received a cook book she had made with all my favorite recipes in it. A few years ago at the holidays I opened one of her hand made gifts. It was a large, flat object and tears welled up when I saw what it was. Inside held moments of my life, images from the time I was a baby until current, she had even included photos of my grandparents, great aunts and uncles from the turn of the century.  She had lovingly put this album together for all of her children to show us who we were from her perspetcive and I have to say this was one of the best gifts anyone has ever given me. She has taken the time to send me old pictures I had drawn as a child, as well as school report cards, and other various objects I had given her over the years. It was a pleasure (as well as an embarrassment in some cases LOL!!!) to look back on these things and experience them again. I wondered how on earth she could have kept all of this, but after being in M’s life I understand it now. I think these hand made items are more special than any store bought thing and so I made it a point to pass on the same ideas and gifts to M.

For her 9th birthday I was stumped as to what to get her. I can say that M is a privileged child and receives almost everything she wants between all the households she has to live in. She never knows what she would like for a gift when we ask her, and in some ways this is a good thing because it tells me she doesn’t have to go through the feeling of being without. But on the other hand we also don’t just hand her everything she wants either, there is a fine line we do not cross with her and generally she has to work to get things she really desires. For that particular birthday I took it upon myself to create a album for her similar to the one my mom had made for me. I filled it in more like a story adding details about the day she was born, what her name means, and other various random information about her. She was very pleased with this book and carried it with her to school for a long time. I remember one instance in particular while attending a school function when her teacher referred to me as “the Jen that made the album,” I looked at M and she stood there proud smiling at me as I talked to her teacher. I also had her cousins and grandparents write her letters that I placed in the back of the book as well so that on the days she might not be feeling loved, that she will know how special she is to everyone.

Last weekend she came up to me and threw her arms around me, I said, “well thank you!” She said, “I was just up reading that book you made for me.” I smiled and nodded knowing that this one small thing could make that much difference for her. When I look over the last few years, I can’t say I am an amazing parent, or even a great one, but I am learning to be the best I can be, and because I know what she needs to feel loved that helps me along the way. Knowing I can provide her with that gives me hope that I can help instill great self-esteem in her and that she will know how very loved she is. Maybe one day when she is older, I will let her read this blog  and it will further her knowledge of how important she is to all of us who know her. And in the mean time I have been accumulating a brown paper bag that has bits of odds and ends, old crayon pictures of stick figures and miss-colored cats, random scribbled stories, and a big M on the outside of it.

Helping One Another

When my father left my mother I do not remember them speaking about the divorce around me. I do not remember my mother saying belittling things about his girlfriend nor him slandering my step-father in any way, at any point. I know now as an adult that there were a plethora of feelings involved on both parts that were far from pleasant, and I am so thankful that neither one of them shared those feelings with me at any point and time.  I know first hand how it feels to be hated as the step-parent when I in fact was never the other woman or malicious in anyway to M’s mother, I was just the new person. And because I understand how people react solely off emotion, I believe no matter who may have come along, she would have reacted in the same way so I never took anything personally. After a few years she finally became ok with me coming to her home to drop M off and now I am just another part of M’s life. I can understand being the wife or husband and knowing your child is going to another person’s home and the hurt that could come with that. I can also imagine how threatening that could potentially feel especially if the other person was an act of your spouse being unfaithful and how painful that could be to endure. But I also know that if my child loved this other person and they loved them in return, I could not deny that and to a certain degree be thankful for that other person’s presence, especially if it is positive for the child.

I have heard some say it takes a tribe to raise a child and in this day and age, I would say even more to a certain extent. I commend M’s mom on just being a parent day in and out and this is why I believe it is important to help one another in raising her. I do not hold any animosity towards her mother and I know that the healthier and happier her mother is, the happier and healthier M will be so I choose to work with her on anything that is needed. I see so much hatred and loathing in the world for one another because a relationship ended, and instead of embracing what was learned by being a part of the person’s life we hate, and by allowing that to stay inside us, we do no service to ourselves or the kids involved. There are some cases where the other person can’t or won’t accept the way things are and until they are ready, so this option may not be for them. But I believe for the child’s sake, putting aside the anger (unless there are dangers with the parties involved) is the only way to show the child a different way of living.

There was an image I saw once and it contained five adults and one child. Two were the father with his new wife, two were the mother with her new husband, and one was a grandparent with the child. This struck me as so simplistic and I thought yes why not? These people all chose to put aside their differences for the happiness of this one child. And I have seen plenty of people that have been hurt by  their loved ones, so when a new person comes in, there is an immediate threat that arises in the psyche to protect and lash out. I have heard parents bad mouth the other parent in front of their child and they do not see the hurt that comes on the child’s face when they hear those words. After all the child is part of the other parent are they not? We have a certain responsibility as adults to put aside our hurt feelings (depending on the situation) and to teach our children to be loving and compassionate, especially if the other person is a healthy addition to the child’s life. There is no easy way to handle these kinds of situations when there is an unexpected separation involved, but what we can do as the adult is to step back and recognize that the child’s happiness ultimately comes first and to recognize within that happiness we can find some our own.

It’s All In The Controls

All my life I have been highly creative although it was never really something I recognized as a positive thing. I never took to technical/logical puzzles or combination based widgets to play with, they only bore me. And I saw myself as flawed because I did not catch on to certain things as easily as some in school. I truly believe a nightmare occupation for me would be sitting in front of blueprints for an engine or perhaps one of those paper manuals for a bookshelf that I have to decipher and build, nope, no thanks. To a lot of people I know these things like technical tasks come very easy. They enjoy taking apart to see the inner workings of things or figuring out codes, but they also have a tendency to get overwhelmed in situations that for me I flow with ease in, and for that I see my strength. I remember being bored and struggling as a child in classes like social studies, science, or math. Because of my lack of engagement I would doodle constantly, or look out the window to daydream. I never did well in those classes, but boy oh boy put me in English, music, or art class and I was off and running. The way we individually learn speaks volumes, but that way isn’t honored in traditional schools. It is all made to be very cut and dry and seems at times to be more about how disciplined we are as opposed to what is really inspiring us internally. I think growing up I assumed everyone learned in the same way, it is just how it is right? Wrong, I am so wrong on this and I have over the last few years began to discover how important it is to allow a child to learn in their own way, to allow them to find what is most interesting to them, and for them to run with that, for in that discovery they will blossom and grow at an astounding rate if allowed.

Interestingly enough these last few months M has taken to playing the really old video games. Not just Wii or Xbox, but the original Nintendo games. She spent one weekend with a friend of hers playing a very old console game from 1989! They were totally engrossed in it as well and wanted the next day to play again, I found this to be really interesting because those games are so much more challenging in some ways then the new ones and they persisted through the frustration they encountered. Now M was introduced to another game two weeks ago and she remembered it, she requested to play this particular game with Adam and he set it up and they had a marvelous time. At one point he had to leave and she was in the middle of a pretty major fight in that game’s terms. She requested for Adam to help her figure out a certain special move to help her win the battle. I immediately wanted to speak up and say, “Oh just press buttons, that is what I do,” (which I admit is the truth, and so far I normally do ok with that strategy, but I didn’t take into account that might not be right for M). Upon watching them I was baffled because I realized she was able to see the combinations when he said up, up, down, left or right, left, up, b. She actually understood and was able to execute the moves based on the combinations he had given her. This for me was always difficult, but I almost expected her to just do what I do because I always had! I felt a sense of shame that I just expected this from her, and at the same time wonder that she had the ability to see these codes when I could not.

This lesson for me was invaluable because I could see that M learns differently from me and that helps me, help her in the future. Recognizing that your child is their own person is so important to honor because you may ask them to do something that to you seems like an easy task, but to them it is a maze of steps that they cannot see their way out of and their brain may just not fully understand or be able to comprehend what you are asking. They may express frustration over the experience and it may seem at the time that they are just not doing it because they don’t feel like it, but in reality, they may simply just not understand or see the task like you do and don’t know how to voice that. Understanding the learning style and how the child’s mind works is incredibly vital, because it can unlock a whole new world for not only the child, but for you as an adult.

No One Listens

As an adult (ideally) we learn to meet our own needs. Growing to understand what our preferences are from housing to relationships and everything in between is a vital part of being an adult. It is up to us to reach out and get what our heart desires most and no one can meet that need but ourselves. When it comes to kids it can be terrifying at times to get across what is needed even when they have been taught to communicate. This is because a lot of the time, they really don’t know what their need may be if it is not totally apparent. Just finding the words that can express what their hearts and minds are trying to convey can be an undertaking. There are moments in a child’s life that will turn them upside down and change them forever, and without the proper knowledge, the child (and some adults) can feel as if they are invisible to a certain degree to their caretakers. Children will give us many clues if we actually stop and observe them for a while or simply just listen. From withdrawing into seclusion, to lashing out unexpectedly, there are many behaviors that express they are suffering internally and not voicing it.

M has always been a shy child in expressing her needs, (except when it comes to pizza toppings or ice cream). She comes from homes that keep her on a schedule and it seems at times she has more caretakers than peers, so naturally she has never really learned to assert herself with what her desires or needs are. I remember a situation where we asked her what she wanted, we could see she was undecided, and in the frustration she was spoken over. She tried to explain something, but Adam and I both were so wrapped up in the moment, she gave up after a few minutes and went quiet. Neither one of us noticed and after we had made a final decision she became upset. Naturally we were perplexed by this until she said to us, “no one listens to me.” We then realized we had not let her finish what she had to say and for that, it was a huge lesson for us to learn. Over the years this has happened in all of her households and it had built up to the point that she became very distraught. She explained to us that she felt like everyone else talked over her and she could not express how she really felt. We have not since done that, and our conversations have consistently allowed her to fully speak her mind.

Parents do the best they can and in a working household that has multiple individuals living in it, it can be very difficult to pin point if a child is having issues. This is where quiet observation for the younger ones, or sitting and listening to the child as their own person with their own words can be incredibly helpful. I have found also that when a child has people to pick out their food, clothes, or after the child has made a decision, the adult tells them, “no you want to do this instead” it can be incredibly disheartening for the child. And because the adult is not honoring the child’s effort to make what can be a scary decision validated, they naturally become self-reliant on this and do not learn to trust their own judgment. This is why it is equally important to not just listen to what they are saying, but to allow them to start making their own decisions and to understand why the decision is important to them. We both take the time now to let her speak about anything that comes to mind, to make her own choices about her clothes or food, and to support those ideas and choices. Life will never be perfect, it is far too easy to react and look back at that reaction and wish that we would have done something different, but I take solace in knowing that at least I am learning from all these situations. And I smile at all this because I can see now that every experience I have with M prepares me to be a better parent, and to be a better person to those I meet in my life.